If you care to find me any more

Follow @vwscully

the Malignant Militia discussion Forum!

Facebook

Retiring the ol' Blog ;)

Well to the few readers of my "Not Quite Tom Riddle's Diary" of my eccentric Dr. Who/Star Trek geekdom and cancer activism. Due to the advent of Google+ and my time spent (wasted ;)) at Facebook and Twitter, I no longer need this Blog to share my stories/links/cancer news and other such profundity online.

Perhaps occasionally I will come here and dust it off and proffer a tale or two, but as of now, please find me on Google+, Facebook or Twitter! :) (user name vwscully)

I also still need help/participants for my "Smothered Hope" film; please visit the website at:

Smothered Hope: the 'dark side' of surviving cancer as a Young adult'.

Cheers!

*VW ARMY* presents the damn cancer VW Show!

Yes volks, it's time once again (almost ;)) for the VW ARMY charity VW Show!

Sunday 29th May and this year all the proceeds stay in Canada to help fund our YA cancer group's events and support Wellspring Stratford!

Shine up your VW and come join the fun! :)

Show webpage

Going our own way: New Canadian YA cancer group!

I'm going rogue...i2y has been a fab way to meet up with other Young adults with stupid cancer, but it has been a very American-centric organisation with some issues that just do not pertain to us in Canada. We also like to keep the money raised 'closer to home' as it were so we can help fund our activities and events.
So although, I said "WTF? I'm too young for this!" when I was diagnosed with cancer, since that name is taken ;), I have decided to form our own group; "Too young for cancer: in Canada".
Website coming soon. It's all so very new, but we do have a core group already and will try to see what is involved in becoming a charity in Canada so anyone who donates can receive a tax receipt :).
Stay cool and cancer be damned!

Meeting 'cancer kindred spirits'

I've decided to spend the Winter in Florida; grooming show horses and avoiding the snow.
It also occurred to me that I have a couple of 'cancer friends' down in these parts and I met up with both of them this week! It's been fab; to make that connection with people who 'REALLY' get it!! I finally got to meet Meaghan; the first person with whom I ever connected over this whole damn cancer shit! Keep kicking cancer's arse!! :D

She has a Blog at:
http://www.cancerlost.blogspot.com
/

Stupid Cancer Night At The Races | i[2]y S/W Ontario Chapter

Got cancer? Under 40? Sucks eh?? Well come on out to our next stupid cancer event! Have fun, hang with others who "get it", and tell cancer where to go!


Stupid Cancer Night At The Races | i[2]y S/W Ontario Chapter

I just wish I were normal...

I've always been odd; in fact, I rather fancied myself superior to other mere mortals cuz I was NOT like everyone else! ;) However, being diagnosed with cancer under 40 suddenly put me in an exclusive club I'd *much* rather not be in!
Leave it to me too, to get a rare cancer (endo-cervical adenocarcinoma accounts for only 10% to 15% of cervical cancers) and since I tested negative for HPV, made my case even rarer. I had none of the risk factors and was even more baffled when my doctor rang me the day after my diagnosis to tell me that I was "the last person she ever thought would get cancer!" cuz I was always so "young and healthy". :/
That clinched it for me; young, seemingly healthy people CAN and DO get cancer for NO fucking reason!! It's a total crapshoot; combined with an environment more toxic than ever, there will soon be a day where you'll be a freak if you DON'T get cancer. (How I'd much rather be *that* kind of freak...)

So nowadays, as I try in vain to return to some semblance of normalcy in my life, I envy the "normal" people; how I wish I could concern myself with "plans" and dreams for the future. Every day I wonder; is this the day cancer comes back to 'get me'? Damn, I sure hope not and when it doesn't, I get a brief respite and then do it all over again tomorrow. I feel like I'm going nowhere; running out of time and fearing that I just don't have the time to do what I really want and my life has all been a big fat fucking waste....

I'm jealous of all the "normal non-cancer" people in my life who don't have the incessant droning of Borg-like voices in their minds always reminding me that cancer is there lurking in the shadows of my mind waiting to assimilate me again.
I try to fake it; smile and joke and have a good time, but the droning buzz is constant in the background of my mind; like white noise of the collective.

Friends are uneasy when they discuss plans for "next Summer" and all I can think to say "if I'm alive, I'll be there"! I have to face it but it freaks people out and then suddenly I realise, I'm not even dealing with cancer in a "normal" way. I did not jump for joy when I was told I was cancer-free. I don't see the value in any more 'runs for the cure', I think we should be FAR more angry at cancer and the complete lack of progress in eradicating this plague from our lives and that the notion of cancer as a "lifelong manageable disease like diabetes" is an erroneous and far too benevolent view for something that sucks so damn bad. Who the hell wants to be on chemo for their entire lives!? Gah!

So I feel the need to show this "other side" to dealing with cancer; especially as a Young Adult. There is no "right way", but the media loves to show survivors involving themselves with cancer societies, burgeoning with positivity and "hope" and saying things like "cancer made me appreciate the 'small things' in life more."
Well, fuck I appreciated them BEFORE cancer!!
Hence my latest project; Smothered Hope: the dark side of Young Adult cancer. A short film where I hope to show this other tortured side and remind people that just cuz you survive cancer, doesn't mean you can leave it behind.
Now if only I didn't suck so bad at using a camera... ;)

Stupid Cancer Happy Hour | SW/Ontario

Stupid Cancer Happy Hour | SW/Ontario

Visit PLANET CANCER

Back in the saddle again..

Well, cancer be damned. I decided to buy back my Hunt Seat horse! He's the one I had to sell in 2008 cuz of stupid fucking cancer! I never knew it at the time but he knew I had cancer and could tell I was in mortal fear of something but didn't know what it was so the only way he could tell me was by being scared too!

He's come back to me with some baggage but we're working on more groundwork. He's soo broke under saddle though and I'm looking forward to showing.

However, I still find it hard to be happy/excited about anything. I'm enjoying riding him and like the fact that I may actually have a shot at placing in the Hunt Seat classes this year, but cancer took away my ability to look forward to anything. I live in the moment; whether it's good or bad, I'm there. I suppose in a way, that gives me more equanimity, but it's also rubbish. >:(
"Normal" people can be happy and excited about new beginnings, prospects, "things to do next year" etc., whereas I just hope I survive long enough to do anything!

I also had to sell my beloved VW Bus to buy back my horse (cuz he was more $$ than I had), but my boyfriend wasn't camping much with me in the Bus at all last year and is so busy with his Home reno. business that he wouldn't have time to camp this Summer either! I know he enjoys campfires in our back garden just as much anywyay ;) We can have our "Bus friends" come visit US!

However, it does piss me off when I think that in 2007 (when I first got Max and did very well at the shows), I still had my VW Bus/was enjoying camping in it, enjoying riding and showing Max AND didn't have stupid cancer. Cancer made the situation where I had to sell Max in the first place; made it that I couldn't afford to keep the Bus AND the horse and made it now that I can't see any future.
Fuck! BUT; right here, right now: cancer be damned. It can fuck the fuck off and I'm going to ride my horse...........................

Piccies from the OMG i2y Summit from Baldylocks ;)

I met up with fellow i2y Blogger 'Baldylocks' from Victoria BC at the Summit and we had a fab time; we got to room together Sunday night and had a nice chat (well, as nice a chat as can be had about stupid cancer!)
She got some great pics from the Summit :)!

OMG Summit for Young Adults in NYC!

I just returned from the i[2]y OMG Summit in NYC and it was brilliant!!
I stayed at the HI Youth Hostel Friday night and then did a 16 hour walking tour of the city with the Hostel group on Saturday (sore feet but sooo worth it! ;)).
The summit was motivating and it was great to finally meet some of the international i2y people in person!!
My only complaint is that the food sucked - a bag of Lay's and an Oreo cookie hardly a Vegan meal make :o Doh!
Oh well, I found an awesome Indian Vegan curry place near the Hostel Friday night! mmmmmmmmmmm so I am not starving by any means.

The event was recorded for live-stream so without further ado; I present the Annual OMG stupid cancer Summit from NYC 2010!!

Stupid Cancer VW Show!

I've been involved in one way or another with Volkswagens and the VW community as long as I knew what a car was ;). So it's only logical that I should use my connections to organise a charity VW Show to raise funds for I'm too Young for This! Cancer foundation and Wellspring London & region.

So without further ado, it's almost time for the Stupid cancer VW Show at Thorndale Fairgrounds NE of London! Saturday the 29th of May!

There will be door prizes, i2y goodies for sale and even a food booth provided by Thorndale Optimists.
Bring your cars and tell your friends ;). Only $10 to enter and all the $ goes to i2y and Wellspring. :)

I wanna go to New York City cuz they tell me it's the place to be....! ;)

I'm planning to attend the *huge* Young Adult cancer Summit in NYC on May "two-four" weekend!!
It'll be great to be amongst my "own kind"; other young adults who 'get' what it's like to have/had stupid cancer under 40!!

As if having cancer isn't bad enough....

Despite the propaganda from the US and Canadian Cancer Societies, cancer is NOT your fault and is rarely preventable!
This brings me to the HPV controversy. HPV is the human papiloma virus; a VERY COMMON virus transmitted through mucous menbranes - mostly through sexual contact. However, it is as common as dirt so rarely is there any adult who does not have it.
It seems that HPV and cancer link are in the news a LOT lately due to the recent development of anti-HPV vaccines. While it is true that HPV is implicated in most cervical cancers as well as some anal, bowel and mouth cancers, having it does NOT MAKE YOU A SLUT!!!! >:( When I was tested for HPV my result was negative, but that doesn't mean I never had it. However, the type of endo-cervical cancer I had was more likely caused by the Pill, injury from my tubal aggravating "wonky" cells and the likelihood that my birth-mother took DES whilst pregnant. What is complete and utter bullshit is the implication from the conventional cancer societies that if you get cancer, it's your own fault.
Here are the risk factors for cervical and endometrial cancer from Canadian Cancer Society - and the irony of my answers will soon become apparent! :

- age over 50 (I won't even bother with this..obviously under 40 is too young for this!!! )
- not having regular Pap tests (a test used to detect both dysplasia and cervical cancer)I had one EVERY FUCKING YEAR and it was *always* NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- HPV - maybe??
- Smoking - NEVER smoked a day in my life! (maybe lit a spliff now and than AFTER my cancer dx! But NEVER tobacco!! ICKY BLEH!! >:(
- Multiple Pregnancies - well that's a bloody laugh considering I'm child-free and have NEVER been pregnant
- Giving birth to many children: see above...WTF indeed???
- Becoming sexually active at a young age - I was 18 :\ - what's their idea of "young" ????
- Having many sexual partners or a sexual partner who has had many partners: I've had 2; count 'em TWO!!! WTF???? And the first one had about 3 or 4 gf's before me and the other (my current b/f) fewer than that! Again, I ask WTF?!?!?! >:(
- Having a weakened immune system (for example, from taking drugs after an organ transplant or having a disease such as AIDS) : Oh that's rich; I got sick ONCE a year! With a cold/flu thing; how the hell does that make me 'immune compromised'??? This one has to piss me off the most as even if I did have HPV, how the hell did it lead to cancer in someone as healthy and fit as me. I know people who are ALWAYS sick with some damn thing or other and THEY don't have cancer!! WTF again??!? >:(
- being overweight/obese: do I look fat to you??? :\
and on their list of possible risk factors:
DES - maybe? don't know my birth-mother; and now I don't care; too late, I had stupid cancer already! >:(
and being on the Pill for a long time which unfortunately, I was; since it was the only way to control my Endometriosis since the doctors wouldn't give me a hysterectomy :(
So pray tell, why are those still listed as POSSIBLE!?!?!? GAH!!!!!

What is even more frustrating is that doctors never told me any of this stuff; I had to find it out after I was diagnosed.
How many healthy, fit young adults are spending all their hours on the Interweb researching a particular type of cancer??? :\

I should NOT have to defend my type of cancer, but alas I do. I get "heaped" in with the white trash, trailer sluts, baby mommies with 40 boyfriends and 6 kids all by different men. PuhLEASE!! >:( When I tell people I had cervical cancer; the reaction ranges from "didn't you get your Pap smears??" to "oh that's what that chav Jade Goody had"... GAH!!!
Meaghan had a similar experience and also blogged about it!!

Even though I had one oncologist tell me I had endometrial cancer, at this point, it just doesn't matter any more; I was misdiagnosed for so long, the treatment was basically the same.

The point of this whole rant is that although the emphasis is on HPV vaccines and prevention of cancer, the onus is always on the *patient"! How about educating the GPs and health care providers who are there to try to keep us healthy. My GP NEVER told me about HPV, never told me about the fact that the Pap smear can sometimes be as bad as only 40% accurate; never told me about DES even though I was born within the years 1938 to 1971 (albeit right at the end :-0 but DES was still being prescribed) and she *always* reassured me that the Pill was "perfectly safe". AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

I try to do everything right and still get fucked. Don't seem right.........so please everyone; don't believe anything your doctor says; QUESTION EVERYTHING!! Live long and prosper :).

Talk Radio

I will be the Guest Speaker on Darren Neuberger's 'Blog Talk Radio' Wed. 10 March at 2030hrs. He is the author/compiler of the Young Adult Cancer story book that Liz and I are in :).

Discussing my experience as a Young Adult with stupid cancer! Listen to me rant! ;) lol

Stupid Cancer Bowling Ball | S/W Ontario

Stupid Cancer Bowling Ball | S/W Ontario

Posted using ShareThis

Accepting cancer? My arse! >:(

Today I had dinner at my parents'; my aunt and cousin are in town and we had a big German dinner with my other aunt who also happened to come 'round for a visit. Now this 'other aunt" also has cancer, she is in her late 50s or early 60s and we got into a bit of a row about how do 'deal with cancer' (as if there is a "right" way to do that? :\ )
Anyway, I told her that it was *different* if you are a Young Adult (i.e. 18-40), but she said it wasn't; I tried to explain that it was because you are at a certain point in your life where you are expecting to just get *started* in things like career, real estate, family (for some folks) etc., but she said; it doesn't matter how old you are; when you face death it's scary and you don't want to die no matter what your age. I tried to explain that late diagnosis is a much bigger problem for YA's cuz doctors don't expect us to have cancer; and she tried to defend the doctors saying that they are not infallible. Well, that's not the point! The point is that they must be made more aware that young, fit people DO get stupid cancer and it should be one of the first things to rule out. Despite all the propaganda; there really is no way to prevent it.

However, that wasn't the pinnacle of the argument; we agreed that it was just different experiences based on the 'generation gap. The really wierd thing though; was that she didn't want to talk about her cancer much with 'non-cancer' people and that she felt that it wasn't part of her and that she found going to chemo somewhat relaxing. WTF?? She wasn't angry at cancer and it was like she was quietly accepting it as inevitable (cuz her cancer is genetically driven).

I cannot accept that! Are you kidding me?? This is the problem right here with cancer in our "modern western society". It has become SO commonplace, that people are no longer angry at it! People still generally think it's preventable and if you get it, "it's your own fault" or it's only a matter of time til you get it (i.e. if you live long enough 80+ or so).
This is sooo NOT OK. Perhaps that is another thing that is holding back any *real* progress towards a definitive cure or control that prevents people from dying every second of every fucking day from this disease! We have become complacent to it; oh it's just "cancer" - don't we have walks/runs/rides/whatever *for the cure* all the time?? We've got to be 'close' by now, aren't we?? GAH!!! Get your head out of the sand people! Survival rates for Young Adults have not improved for 30+ YEARS - that is a FACT:

i[2]y Stats

Mending the Gap

Cancer Survival Gap: Progress Stalls for Young Adults


Therefore the bleak outlook for many of us diagnosed late and under 40 should NOT be surprising!

We should NOT accept cancer as a "chronic disease" like diabetes or asthma; it's a fucking killer and the increased rates should be cause for alarm; NOT an indicator of better screening (cuz that sure as hell does NOT apply to Young Adults).
We *should* be angry; rioting in streets, demanding accountability of our doctors and questioning the drug companies and big pharma.
The cancer "industry" just wants you to 'sit back and let the chemo do the work', well, we're not gonna take it any more!!! >:(

The Book!

I have to copy Liz on this one; cuz she's in on it too! :)


-------------
The book has been published ... 40 young adult cancer survivors share their story ... including me!

The book is called: 'Let's Talk About It: Inspiring Stories From Young Adult Cancer Survivors' by Darren Neuberger.

You can find it HERE!

Yeah!

So happy this has been completed! :)

Avatar

Now I am usually far too lazy to write film reviews and this is no exception ;) except I will say that in spite of all the hype and hooplah about Avatar being the biggest film in the universe; I just came back from the cinema to see it; and.....it was brilliant :). I thoroughly enjoyed it and yes, the visuals were stunning especially in 3D. However, the story was archetypal; one that has been told many times; and that in itself is the irony. Despite the age-old tale of humanity destroying its own planet, displacing indigenous peoples/animals for economic gain, we just don't seem to learn from it :\.

How many people will have seen this film; be moved by it, and then go shop at Wal- Mart the next day and buy a bunch of useless crap? How many people will think that indigenous people in the Amazon rain forest and remote regions of South-east Asia are a bunch of tree-hugging backwards savages??
Methinks it will be many....
And therein is the rub; we cannot look upon these people as stupid nor can we glamourise them as the "noble savage", but one thing is certain; we have lost our connection to the planet and all that it could do for us.
I wonder how many cancer cures could be found in the plants from the rainforest and how many of those are now lost forever due to habitat destruction...

There is no doubt in my mind that the increase in cancer is directly related to the assault on the planet; be it from chemicals, hormones, pollution, overpopulation; Mother Nature is just sick of it and is blindly fighting back and not caring who she hurts in the process. If you get caught in the crossfire, then too damn bad.

Funny thing though; when I ask Doctors; gee, do you think the increased rates of cancer especially among young adults (i.e. those most susceptible to hormonal changes and pollution), is related at all to environmental factors??
The answer is always an equivocal "Oh no, that can't possibly be it...we just don't know". Funny how they "know" how to treat us (with toxic chemo and deadly radiation), but they also seem to KNOW that pollution has *nothing* to do with our cancer...hmmmm. Makes me wonder who has more knowledge; our doctors or indigenous peoples; who seems to get a lot less cancer??....:\

Stupid Cancer Taco Time | London, ON Canada

Stupid Cancer Taco Time | London, ON Canada

Posted using ShareThis

Young Adult Cancer Conference: Montreal and waiting for the hammer to fall :\

Work continues on the i2y front; last weekend, I attended a "Young Adult Cancer Leadership Conference' at the Hope & Cope Wellness Centre by Jewish Hospital in Montreal. It was great! I got to meet some awesome fellow YA's who've also gone through stupid cancer and Matthew Zachary came and presented his 'stupid cancer story' and shared information about i2y. We also had group exercises about how to continue the Young Adult Cancer cause in the community.


Saturday night, I got to meet up with my friend Jill-Anne from high-school; we hadn't seen each other since 1989!! It was soo nice to see her again; we went down to the Pub to see her friend's band play (that was fun except for the stupid gas pains I had from drinking too much :o thank you stupid cancer;>:( who'da thunk it that instead of just getting liquored up, I have to worry instead about irritable bowel from radiation damage >:(. )
Anyway, we went back to her flat and stayed up chatting til 5am! Needless to say, I didn't make it to next day's activities at the conference. Oopsie ;). However, it was well worth it; I got a lot out of Saturday's session and wasn't about to go to Montreal and not see Jill-Anne, so it's all good.

I am more motivated to work on my own local chapter of i2y, but there's also this strange sense of "why bother?". I feel like if I have any success with the group or my YA Cancer activism in general at all, that I'm just going to relapse and that will the end of everything. I feel like I'm always waiting for the proverbial 'other shoe to drop'. It's been a year since my diagnosis and yet it seems like yesterday. I think about stupid cancer every second of every day, even when I'm dealing with it with humour or rage or activism. Even if it's gone; it's "not". It has basically ruined my life as I'd known it and the life I have now is completely different. I keep reading on Planet Cancer (my YA online cancer discussion board), about young women who'd had similar diagnoses to me; now facing relapses, metastases and poor prognoses and are basically bricking it and scared shitless. I have other 'online friends' there who have died or are now terminal. It just fucking SUCKS! >:( Every day I read/hear or otherwise find out about yet another young adult diagnosed with advanced cancer and people continue to lose their lives to this.

I don't know how much more I can take of the general hopelessness that cancer engenders. It's like we take 2 steps forward and one back. The increase in cancer incidences has *nothing* to do with an ageing population! The biggest increase in cancer is in YOUNG ADULTS! 18-40! NOT in the older folks! And YAs continue to be diagnosed at more advanced stages. I just wish I could fix it all and make cancer just GO AWAY!!! :(

I know that I'm supposed to live in the 'here and now' and for the most part, I *do*, but cancer is insidious; even just seeing something such as driving past a retirement home has me in a rage; it's not bloody fair! I want to be old enough to retire one day, but cuz of stupid cancer, I think that's not going to happen!! To hell with RRSPs then :p. I hope people don't get the wrong idea about me though; I love life and try to have a good time every day despite stupid cancer. Sometimes that comes across as rude or wierd but that's life with me. I was only "going crazy" when cancer came along; now I've completely gone 'round the bend'. ;).

It's almost Winter and I'm freezing my ars off >:(. I HATE it; now that I've had stupid cancer and have no idea how much longer I have on this planet, I hate wasting my life just waiting for Summer! Gah; I gotta move to Florida or something :p.

Is there anybody out there?

Does anyone even read this damn blog?? :\
Sometimes I wonder where some of my friends went after I got diagnosed with stupid cancer cuz it sure as hell doesn't seem like they have a clue or even a care about my life. People think that just cuz I'm in remission that my life is "back to normal" and I can just carry on as if nothing happened! I wish!! >:(
It just simply does NOT work like that.
I guess only us "lucky enough to get cancer under 40" will ever know what it's like....

In other news; I just got back from spending almost a month in the UK and Germany; Damn I did NOT want to come home!!! ;) This weekend Nov. 27/28 is a Young Adult Cancer Retreat in Montreal; we're hoping to get stupidcancer.ca launched soon!! Stay tuned :P Same bat time same bat channel!

My Sentiments EXACTLY.....

I found this on the Crazy-Sexy-Cancer forum. It was written by a bloke called Jerome who has terminal cancer.
Damn, I couldn't have written it better myself. I totally get this and since he already said what I want to, I'm reposting it here for all to see.

----
'Hope is for Dopes'

Not long ago I attended a Cancer Relay. I was told that the event was a fund raiser/celebration. Speakers talked a lot about hope. “Never give up hope,” they chanted. The audience cheered. I began to wonder about the entire premise of this event.

Fund raiser/celebration? I got the fund raiser part. That is what the American Cancer Society seems to do – raise funds. Many people work for the ACS and many more volunteer. They raise a lot of money. I think that most of it goes to pay for large buildings that house lots of employees who work with lots of volunteers who raise lots of money. They produce lots of T- shirts with cancer relay emblems printed on them. I think they also put out wrist bands and trinkets that say things like, “Don’t give up hope,” and stuff like that. They operate a website that serves as a search engine for a lot of information about cancer. ACS volunteers do things like drive patients to their chemo sessions. I think that mostly what they do though is raise money.

The celebration part of this fund raiser celebration was a bit more puzzling. We’ve been fighting the war against cancer for forty years now and basically we’re getting the shit kicked out of us. We have no cure for cancer. People die from cancer every day. I have cancer and based on the statistics I have less than a five percent chance of being cured. Sorry but I don’t feel like celebrating.

Some came to the fund raiser/celebration to celebrate people who have died. I hope no one does that for me if and when I die from this disease. Let me make my request now: please do not buy a candle and walk around a track in remembrance of poor me. As one whose days are most likely numbered, I can think of thousands of things to do that would be more productive than lighting candles and walking around in circles.

You see, that’s the problem with this war on cancer. We’re walking around in circles way too much. Rather than search for a cure for cancer – some way to stop the proliferation of cancer cells in bodies with immune systems that fail to get the job done, researchers are looking for chemo agents that are merely less toxic than those on the market today. It is the market that determines what researchers work on. Finding a cure for the disease of cancer is not an endeavor that can promise a quick and sizeable return on a cash investment. We’ve not taken the first steps in understanding how to stop cancer from metastasizing. Cancer cells that are killed or removed before they grow into the lymphatic system or have a chance to metastasize may be permanently eliminated. Unfortunately, most cancer is not detected and treated that early. So the rest of us, with cancers that have penetrated the lymphatic system, spread to distant organs, or recurred, are shit out of luck.

Which brings me back to the problem I have with hope. If someone is beating you on the head with a baseball bat, will you hope that they stop? If your house is on fire, will you hope that the fire goes out and that you will be saved? If your child is hungry, will you hope that he doesn’t starve? Come on America, think. Don’t just follow the pack and donate a couple of bucks for a T shirt that advertises hope. Hope is for people who have run out of resources. Hope won’t cure you. Hope won’t make you well.

I’m reminded of an interview in which Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones was asked if he believed in what the Beatles were preaching through their song, “All you need is love.” “Try eatin’ that,” said Richards. I don’t believe that is so cynical. We have a few basic needs which, if they are unmet, will lead us to disaster. Air, food, water and shelter reign among those.

We need to stop cancer from taking over our bodies. Once cancer starts the process of taking charge, we have precious little time to turn things around. It is as if we are under water. There are ways to breathe down there but eventually we must come to the surface and breathe the air. Health care professionals can kill a few cancer cells, but cancer patients desperately need to stop the process of cancer growth inside their bodies. That is the cure we need, but unfortunately there is nothing being developed today that is any more promising than what was available forty years ago.

Try putting some of that hope into an IV bag and let it drip into your veins. I don’t think it will take you far. Science has found, so far, that hope has nothing to do with decreasing cancer mortality. Attitude, age, diet, chemo and procedures don’t even put a dent in mortality rates. The stage of one at diagnosis is what determines who lives and who dies.

Instead of hoping, why not take all of those purple cancer T-shirts and make them into blankets. Put those blankets on patients who sit freezing on vinyl recliners with icy cold chemo dripping into their veins. Instead of mindlessly forking over a couple of bucks to the ACS let’s find a way to fund a real cure. This would mean bypassing the fund raisers that spend money on T-shirts and trinkets; bypassing the pharmaceutical companies that are trying to make a quick return on their investment by chasing cancer cells; bypassing the fund raisers that seek donations for hospitals and cancer centers that promise to make a profit by delivering the same treatments that haven’t worked for forty years. Instead of hoping, let’s fund a real cure.

I don’t wish to quell anyone’s enthusiasm. I’m not against anyone who is compassionate enough to dig into their pockets and contribute to what they think is a solution. I see no wrong in celebrating the lives of those who have passed before us. I want to rethink the way we are approaching the disease of cancer. I want to get money into the hands of people who can actually find a cure rather than a treatment. Enough with the T-shirts and fund raising/celebrations. I want to see hope transformed into action. I’m kind of in a hurry too.
-------

Jerome.

The wisdom of the 'Scottish Play'

MacBeth has always been my favourite Shakespeare play. My brother and I saw it again last night at Stratford. It was the wierdest version I've ever seen; set in 20th century Africa amidst colonial wars. Very surreal; yet it was still very good. When I sit transfixed watching the stage, I know the production is good ;). It's like I get 'stuck' and cannot move.

However, now seeing Shakespeare after my stupid cancer; I can't help revisiting the profundity of the most insightful of all soliloquies in 'the Scottish Play'. This is MacBeth's 'eureka' moment; the realisation of the futility of life and is essentially the Buddha's First Noble Truth!
I've always loved this, but now; more than ever:

"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing." — Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5)

My Way (Sid Vicious version)

I had my second follow-up today. I asked the Dr. point blank; "why am I here?" He really didn't have a good answer; only that it was "standard procedure". No good reason for ME personally to be there! Again I asked him what could be done for a recurrence and all he said was that if it recurred in the pelvic area - then a radical pelvic exenteration surgery (where the uterus, vagina, bladder, bowel, colon etc.) is removed! Ack! Are you kidding me?? Oh and it only works "sometimes". Uh no thanks! I'll take my chances!!

So I've decided not to go back for any more follow-ups. I will only go if I feel shitty or have wonky symptoms - cuz there really is no point. I am soo damn outraged at the whole 'cancer system'. >:( I mean, where's the damn cure already!? Remission is NOT a cure; I got my treatment; it worked and the Dr. was like "ok that's all we can do; you're fine now but if cancer recurrs; you're pretty much doomed; but we want to see you every 3 months anyway." So to me, that makes no sense.

I know I'm going to get a lot of heat for this choice, but I just don't get why; recurrent cervical or womb cancer is most often fatal; so why on earth would I subject myself to the stress that checkups cause and undergo conventional treatment again which has only a very slight chance of working? Gah! :( What a shitty choice to have to make, but I'm going to choose to believe that I'm still in remission and will stay that way.
Fuck I hate cancer >:(.


In other news, I chatted with Matthew Zachary of i[2]y today about setting up a SW Ontario Chapter :). Young Adults with cancer need to be heard and we need to be able to hang with others of our own age who 'get it'!
I'm too Young for This!!

To Be or Not to Be..............

To be or Not to be; that is the question!

I'm still debating whether or not I'm going to bother with checkups and I'm leaning towards the NOT bothering.
If cancer comes back, I'm pretty much doomed, so why don't I just go to the Dr. if I get wonky symptoms? It's not like it will be "too late" cuz they can't do shit for me even if they find a recurrence early! I am so disillusioned and sick of the conventional medical establishment anyway; they treated me like shit when I was in treatment; there was NO support for Young Adult Cancer patients and my Drs. can't even agree on what type of cancer I had; (one says Cervical; the other says Endometrial) :\. They are also no closer to a cure than they were 40+ years ago. I just got a "treatment protocol" not a cure.

I think I will go to my upcoming checkup (23rd June) but just ask the Dr. outright; if my cancer comes back, can you cure it? If not, then fuckit; I will leave and never go back unless I want palliative care. I just want to live my life and FUCK CANCER! >:(.

Rocking out with Bif!

So I went and saw Bif on Friday! Her show rocked!!! I have wanted to see her in the past, but never got 'round to it, but I'm soo glad I finally got to go to one of her shows. It was great and all I could think is that she is on tour only 5 months after cancer treatment. (We finished treatment about the same time!)

I did get a bonus feature though; after the show, I was getting the band's autographs and when I mentioned that I also had cancer and Bif had been my inspiration, I was invited on the Tour Bus to chat with Bif! She was great; so real and we chatted about how much cancer sucks and her shows and life in general. Then I got my pic with her; but I look like a complete doofus! haha why do I always pull a stupid face!? :o Doh!

Namaste Bif :) Rock on!

Bif on Tour!!

Ooh excited!! Going to see Bif at Norma Jean's in London June 5!! Yay!! :D

I want to be just like her! :o

I'm an empathic person; I can feel other peoples' emotions and often take on the suffering of the world as if it were my own.
(Sometimes I think that even contributed to my stupid cancer, but that's another story ;)).
So because of my empathic sense, it's important to me to find others who share (at least somewhat) the shit I'm going through; to find kindred spirits with whom to share my journey along the road of cancer shittiness.

I've managed to 'find' several people online through Planet Cancer (the forum from imtooyoungforthis.org), and other online cancer support groups for people in the 18-44 age range. I drive myself bonkers reading other peoples' stories and just shake my head in ironic bewilderment that there are so many people out there sharing similiar shit. :(. Sometimes I fear that I will drown in the waves of empathy I feel from these peoples' stories.

I've been a fan of Bif Naked since the mid 90s when I first heard some of her songs on HTZ-FM while I was at Brock. She always personified the 'punk rock girl' I aspired to be (however, I never made it quite so stylish ;)). In January last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer and no doubt that came as a huge shock to her, but it also surprised the hell out of me! Here she was, like me: same age; fit, raw-food-Vegan, straight edge (no booze or drugs) and she had cancer!! WTF!?? I remember it scared me that someone like her could get it cuz I felt it meant I could too!

Of course, as we all know, I got my own diagnosis 11 months later. :\ The way she has maintained a humourous approach to all her cancer shit; how she recorded her album, and is back doing interviews and talking about her plans for touring and just getting her life back: I want to be like her!
I want to be able to say "cancer is BEHIND me now and it can fucking stay there!"
I wish I had her strength and her eternal optimism and a positive outlook for the future BUT...there is this profound fear holding me back :(. Perhaps whatever the 'something' is that she has that allows her to 'hold her head up' and push on into the future is the same thing that made her famous whilst my lack of the same something causes me to remain in the background still awaiting that 'breakthrough role'. ?? :\

However, considering we both had cancer and thought we did everything right to *prevent* it, it makes me wonder if we really are "the Lucky ones".???
So I say to Bif; if you ever have any of that strength to spare, I could sure use it ;) Rock on though girl, you're my hero :)

Stagnant :\

It would seem that some of you actually read this Blog and have been nagging me for an update ;). Well, here it is:

I feel like I'm stuck :(. Stagnated in some sort of fetid pond not knowing which way to go to get me out of it.
I am supposed to be healing and I AM feeling much better (although I do still have some odd pain 'down there' which my oncologist said would be common from radiotherapy :\. I also still feel the need to sleep til noon daily not to mention a faint reminder of 'chemo mouth' <- thankfully there's gum!). I've enlisted the help of a Naturopath to help rid my body of the icky chemo and radiation 'leftovers' so I'm detoxing my liver and kidneys which I believe really do help. I felt like SUCH a toxic waste dump before!! I've done some Yoga (although I fell off my horse last week so couldn't do any this week). Needless to say, I can't ride much right now thanks to stupid slippery mud! :o Actually I didn't so much fall OFF as Lady fell ON me cuz she slipped in said mud. Anyway, so with a mangled leg, I sit here trying to get comfortable and watch Spring slowly try to make its way back into the world that is SW Ontario.

Despite all that; I just feel "wrong". Makes me think of when Buffy was brought back from the dead! :\ It's like I got slipped into an alternate Universe that is almost identical except *I* have cancer and my strong healthy exuberant self got lost in some OTHER Universe! :(

I think I'm gonna be permanently fucked in the head. I mean, my cancer is pretty much gone, but now I feel like I have a bomb in my body ready to go off at any time :\ and I gotta learn to live with that and it fucking SUCKS! >:( Sometimes I think I don't even want to go for checkups cuz recurrent cancer is even worse than an initial case and I'd rather not know. :| The treatment damaged my body too so I don't even 'function' properly any more. :( I don't know if I even have 5 more years on this planet or 5 more decades!? I feel like some sort of demon; not quite human even though I look like everyone else. Bah, welcome to Hell; I will be your tour guide :p.

However, instead of wallowing or waiting for the hammer to fall, I have decided to volunteer as a Leader for a local chapter of i2Y (I'm Too Young for This Cancer support organisation for people 18-40).
I have my post-treatment checkup next Tuesday. Not sure if I should be wigging out or not? I just know I'm sick of fucking cancer and all its associated shit.
I plan to go back to work March 16 and can't wait for Horse Shows and VW Shows to start. Fuck off stupid cancer.

Simple Plan: Save You

This Video was made for those who have battled cancer and includes a small cameo of my cancer heroine; Bif Naked :).

Endings...

It is of endings I wish to write; this past week has been replete with them.
I finished my cancer treatments last Thursday and while I am soo glad to be done with them, I am wary and frightened of the future. There's a constant worry about cancer coming back, I'm afraid I'll not feel better (cuz right now I still feel like CRAP! :( ) and I just don't see myself growing old any more. :\

To make it worse, we had a terrible accident on our farm on Tuesday; I had been in the hospital and endured the brachytherapy and the Drs. telling me everything is supposed to cure my cancer so I was cautiously optimistic. When we came home, however, and Brian went out to hay and water the ponies, he found my small pony, Charlie flat on his back in the shed with both front legs broken :(. He must have just tore into the fence post when running into the shed; cuz Brian said he had looked like he had just done it :(. I had to call the vet right away and she had to come out to put him down. He was beyond saving :(.



I can't believe more bad karma in my life. WTF did I do to deserve all this shit at this point in my life!? It's like there's some thread in my life that is just completely unravelling. :( It's not logical, but it's true.

All I can do now is try to embrace the words of Spock and have faith that the Universe will unfold as it should.

Peace and good karma everyone.....

Facing the future

I feel like a Borg - being assimilated and then 'de-Borged' and unfortunately, I have to face it again in the next few days. In essence, brachytherapy is akin to being assimilated by the Borg. It is tantamount to torture; laying immobile for 24 hours with cable-like rods inserted into my vadge and the pain upon their removal was like nothing I could ever have been prepared. It was plain and simply torturous :(.
How am I to face that again!? Why does cancer treatment have to be soo dreadful?
I am finding it so difficult to live in the moment when the moment sucks so bad.

However, I know my meditation has had a positive effect. My Dr. told me that my latest MRI showed that my tumour is already totally gone! He was shocked, I don't think he expected it to be gone yet. He said to me "whatever it is you're doing; keep doing it!" All I could think is that I've been meditating and visualising my tumour disappearing.

What's wierd is that all along I KNEW I could beat this and get rid of this cancer, but I am still so scared of the future. My biggest challenge right now is coping with the fear of the cancer coming back. How am I supposed to get on with my life if that Dementor is shadowed over me all the time?! :(
(I am constantly reminded how my favourite works of fiction; Star Trek, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Dark Materials etc. are mirrored in my life these days....but I digress...)

The only thing getting me through this hell is thinking that there will be a time where I no longer feel like shit. I continue to study my Buddhist texts and teachings and be reminded of impermance and non-attachment but reality is very much difficult to take. However, I am not about to give up and can only take each moment to think of compassion and empathy for all living beings suffering within samsara along with me.

May you all live long and Prosper...

Dreaming for answers?

Cancer gives you odd dreams. I've always been odd ;) but oddness seems to be a bit more acute these days. Things don't seem 'right'; everything is a bit skewed. My world is more illusory than ever now as I go through life as a 'cancer patient'.

As you may be well aware by now if you know me at all or just read this Blog, I'm a Star Trek geek and relate most things to Trek in one way or another. It's just such a great philosophy and as a friend once said about it; "A great work of fiction (such as Trek) is composed of many truths and it resonates with us". That is what makes Trek so great for me. That and the whole idea of going "where no one has gone before".

So the other night I had a wierd dream wherein Trek figured in a way I never thought it would.
I dreamt I'd died and was suddenly in a white room with what seemed like nobody there. It was basically the same scene from the Star Trek: Next Generation episode "Tapestry" where Picard dies and Q allows him to relive his life. When Picard dies Q is there and claims to be god. It's quite a funny scene and it was almost how I thought my dream would play out; I thought I was going to run into Q.
However, as I step forward there is someone there and it is the Metron from the Original series episode "Arena". I'm still confused considering I've just died and still trying to figure out WTF? :o I ask "who are you?" and he tells me he's the "Skeptic's God". He's very nonchalant about everything and makes no big deal about the fact I'm dead and here discussing things. I go along with this figuring he must be telling the truth (for some reason I just knew he was).

I ask him point blank; WTF?!?! Why the hell did I get cancer!? Why does bad stuff happen!? He just basically said he made the Universe with all its laws and rules such as gravity and evolution and thermodynamics and just left it do its own thing. He has nothing to do with it any more and made no big deal about anything. He asked me what I wanted to do now; do I want to be reborn as some other life form, do I want to go play a game with him. The only thing I couldn't do was go 'back to life' since the laws of the Universe don't work like that and even god can't change what he made. I wanted to know if he was the "Skeptic's god" were there others? but the question seemed irrelevent.

I always figured that religion as portrayed in Erik the Viking was bang on; the Vikings believed in Valhalla so they found it; but the missionary was a Christian and didn't see the walls of Valhalla when they got there. It didn't exist for him! That silly movie gave me an epiphany way back in highschool when I watched it for the first time and it made me realise that that is probably the closest thing to the truth anyone has ever realised.

So I figured meeting the Metron/skeptic's god in this immediate after-death state could be an outcome for me. It's not that I expected there to be a god; but he was like a portal; giving me options but not making any judgements. I've often said too that if there ever was a god; he's 'long since left the building'. Maybe this is what I meant? And given the choice; I will take rebirth. One wonders why I'd torture myself again, but despite Dukkha life still has much to offer and we should all strive to be better and go where no one has gone before........

FEAR

Philbert gave me an idea to turn the fear I've been feeling into a mantra:

Focus
Enlighten
Associate
Retaliate

Focus on your path, and feel enlightened about it. that you know what differences you're making now are GOOD changes..... Associate that in your meditation and Retaliate with these treatments.......

Thanks Philbert :)

RAGE

Today I was angry. This fucking cancer has fucked up my life; all my past troubles pale in comparison. I was happy, moving forward with my riding/horse training, making progress and generally rolling with the punches and did I mention, I was pretty happy!!??
Now this cancer has bloody well STOPPED my life as I knew and I'm FUCKING PISSED about it!!

I had to meet with the brachytherapy nurse today. What a joke; she spoke to me like I was a dumb kid. The whole damn procedure has me completely wigging out and all she could do was tell me that it will be "uncomfortable"! Ok, so how about YOU try it first and see how you like it; and then maybe I'll do it after you tell me what it's like. FUCK off >:(.

So I try to deal by using rage (or gallows humour ;)). I did a lot of that today I was soo fucking pissed/freaked about the internal radiation after meeting with the nurse that afterwards I just went through the place in a rage spouting obscenities and hurling insults. It was really rather curmudgeonly of me ;).
But wtf; why not? I'm surrounded by grumpy old farts!? (nb. being the youngest in a cancer ward SUCKS!)

When I got to the Chemo ward, the ladies at the desk were like "uh..... so embarrassed) but I didn't give a FUCK; cuz cancer fucked me up and everyone should know how shitty it is! and I'm going to fucking tell them!

The doctors and nurses and staff work there every day thinking how compassionate they are when they really have NO FUCKING CLUE!!!!
I was just RAGING! I was even blabbering on about how I don't even like to use tampons cuz I hate 'stuff down there" and my mum was like soo embarrassed but I still don't care cuz now I gotta have fucking radioactive rods shoved in my vadge for hours on end and I"m supposed to be OK with that!? :-0
fuck that and fuck cancer!!! >:(

LIVESTRONG and the doctrine of Anatman

Every day right now is a struggle; just to get out of bed when I feel like I've been streamrollered! :(


This Chemo/Radiotherapy takes EVERYTHING I got.

However, my friend Tracy, (pictured with his Bug) from our VW Club went through thyroid cancer last year and stopped by the other day to drop off Lance Armstrong's book "It's not about the Bike", and I have been reading it and was suddenly absolutely awestruck in some of what he wrote; I couldn't believe it; his feelings when he was diagnosed - here I was having the same feelings as farking Lance Armstrong!! It was funny too how he said he retained his agnosticism (as I retain my 'buddhist atheism'), when it seems people expect you to do a 'religious turn-about' if faced with your potential doom.
Why is that I wonder??

The universe still rolls on; my karma either brought me to this point or some past karma did; and it's up to me alone as to how I deal - and what sort of karma I do now. I am still a non-entity but merely part of the flux of samsara and my karma.
I try every day to cultivate non-attachment and sometimes it works and other days, I desperately cling to my life and just want to go back to how it all was before this stupid cancer :(.

So, it doesn't get any easier; I still try to maintain my focus on kicking this cancer's ass; Lance has shown me that he had the same feelings of fear one minute and undying resolve the next; and I try to meditate every day on impermance, change, on the potential for wellness and renewal, but the fatigue and shitty chemo-belly remind me of the harsh reality of what I am going through. :(.
I'm freaking out about the brachytherapy; that dreaded internal radiation "down below" that will render me immobile for 12 hours and have to undergo general anasthetic. EEEKK!!! I keep reminding myself Meaghan did it and I can too; but it still has me right freaked out :(.

I look forward to Spring and Summer and wonder what the future holds, but I am determined not to let this fucking cancer take me out. I just know I'd rather go down in a ball of flames than a whimper.

More dukkha :(

As if all this cancer shit wasn't bad enough; today we had to put down our dear Pippin; our 5 year old Jack Russell Terrier who had been suffering from an incurable joint-wasting disease for the past few years which recently rendered her completely unable to walk or even to sit up and support her weight on her front :(.

I just hope her next life she can run and jump and have a good long life. She deserves that much.
R.I.P. little Pip; we love and miss you :(.
xoxox

Knackered :(

I started Chemo and Radiotherapy yesterday and while annoying, it wasn't all that bad...or so I thought :o.
Today, however, I got blindsided. After radiation I had a really rough go; my bowels were really 'angry' and I had really bad gas pains and suddenly a wave of nausea bowled me over and I spent far too much time in the loo :o.

Meaghan had warned me that radiation "down below" was a doozie and damn, I'm finding out she was right :(. I just keep pushing on as I know she did it and it's up to me now to follow her!

Sharing the Journey

Since this whole cancer shit started, I've been looking for help everywhere and anywhere. I NEVER thought I'd have to even think about thinking about worrying about having cancer in my 30s! So when faced with the challenge, I was like a mouse cornered by several cats!

Since nobody I know has (or even had!) cervical cancer (lucky them :( ), I turned to Google, and in amongst all the frightening hospital info. sites, stupid statistics and technical drivel, I came upon a Blog which suddenly resonated with me.
Here was someone else; young, healthy, doing what she loved and suddenly was struck with advanced Cervical cancer. Her story and courage suddenly made me think I could go through it if she did! I emailed her and she has been more help than I can ever say. It's sooo hard to face this demon cancer, but to have the support of someone who has slain the beast, gives me some strength to step into the fire. Thanks Meaghan :).



I start the treatments tomorrow; Chemotherapy (Cisplatin) and Radiotherapy (basically I get phasered "down below"). :o
I feel like I am going into the Enterprise Nacelle tube (where are you are NOT supposed to go if you want to avoid radiation poisoning!) :o but desperate times call for desperate measures :(.

It's time for Operation: Annihiliate!

Of Mystics and Cancer and karma .....oh my!

Today I did some things that I never thought I'd do (there's actually been quite a few days like that lately......).
I went to a "healing circle" at my Counsellor's place. She had met this young Irish woman who had 'found' my Counsellor's place of work cuz she said she felt compelled to go there! It was all very strange, but my Counsellor was intrigued by this woman and started to talking to her. Turns out she is a bit of a mystic/healer/seer/supra-mundane witch? Ok so she can't be labelled; but for all intents and purposes; she has some kind of gift for "reading" people and helping them.

With my recent cancer diagnosis, my counsellor figured I could benefit from this woman's wisdom so invited me to attend this 'circle' today. I admit I was skeptical, but I had nothing to lose; couldn't hurt to try and all the other cliches that come to mind when you do something you otherwise probably wouldn't bother doing! Face it; I'm basically half Vulcan and half Klingon; an occasionally violent, Empathic emotional Scientist for lack of a better term, so I wasn't sure what to expect.

Anyway, so she takes me to a small quiet room, with incense burning and a small massage table. I lay on the table and before I've even completely settled, she asks "Why do you feel so hopeless?" "You are empathic but suffering from much anger; it has permeated you and manifested itself in your core. It has made you physically ill... in your core". I was dumbfounded to say the least, so after a brief pause, slowly said "How did you know that?" She said there was someone with me (I have been thinking of Chris a lot lately - could it have been him?)
She proceeded to tell me that because I'm an empath, I took on the suffering and anger of the earth and internalised it; it is time to turn inward and concentrate on myself; to block the negative energy and accept help from all the myriad beings who are there offering help. But I was resisting; she kept telling me that I had to release; all the while I just could not believe how much insight she had! She was bang on! It all fit! The cancer as a manifestation of the pollution and suffering and carcinongenic evil inflicted on the planet and I tried to absorb it; only to have my body break down and be unable to take it. :(

So I told her that it was interesting that she mentioned those things cuz I was just diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. (She did not seem at all surprised). I also told her I was passionate about the Environment and wanted to continue my work. She told me that I didn't think I was going to die (this confused me a bit..) and I replied "but I still have that seed of doubt!", but she repeated *I* do not think I'm going to die.
And so I told her, well I do NOT WANT to die! I want to cotinue my life as I generally LIKE it! and like what I do! She said "well, will you continue to do what you'e always done? What will you DO with your life?"
I didn't know how to answer cuz I always figured that OF COURSE I will continue to do what I've always done! I LIKE my life! But it made me think; is it really the length of life that matters? Or is it what we do? Have I done what needs to be done? Can I do more?

She continued to do a form of Therapeutic Touch on me (which felt great!) and then quietly told me to just ask my question while she left the room. I lay there for a time; unable to move, kind of frozen in a sort of trance.
I got up and went out of the room (complete with stunned appearance :o )
She finished by saying I would have an answer in six weeks. (???) I guess only time will tell!?

I discussed all this with my Counsellor and kept wrangling with my 'logical mind' trying to decipher how this woman could know so much about what I as thinking? About what was wrong with me? About the fact that I HAVE been searching outward lately; constantly looking both online and at the hospital for other patients with Cervical Adenocarcinoma or those who've beaten it when it turns out, I could look forever and not find everyone and that is wasting energy that I need to help myself. (I will however, continue to correspond with Meaghan, who I "met" online and with whom I've developed an immediate affinity in our similar situations).

and now the need to turn inward. I meditated upon all that; and the constant image in my meditation lately has been of a black speck, quicky radiating outward and exploding; the image would repeat over and over and over every time I tried to meditate. Does it represent the tumour? The lack of control?? However, today as I lay on the massage table turning inward; suddenly the image REVERSED! There was a bright light (like an explosion), then it would shrink inward to a black speck and the disappear. This image would repeat over and over and over....

Something has changed....

So as I now contemplate all this and wonder; I am compelled to turn inward, to consider my karma and where it's taking me; to try to see if I can be "ok" with whatever happens and to fight for my life.....cuz there's gotta be something more I can do!

Cancer!? WTF??#$%@$%

I am dazed and numb with fear and disbelief. After a few months of what I thought was a failed Endometrial Ablation, my Dr. decided that maybe that wasn't it and did a cervical biopsy (on a cyst she originally thought was just a fibroid) a few weeks ago which just came back as positive for Cervical Adenocarcinoma! :(
WTF?@#$???$#!! After YEARS of normal Pap tests and not even anything abnormal when I got my Tubal last year and suddenly I have an invasive cancer!?!?

I'm terrified, angry, nervous and searching for my 'Buddha nature' to take me thrugh this long hard road which I'm about to face. I thought my problems with my horse confidence were hard, but they pale in comparison (although the fear of death is the same!) :o It is wierd; after my initial 'hoof to the head' accident, I explored my own mortality and *almost* became comfortable with it; the "I know life is dangerous, but I don't care! Gotta live it to the fullest; "Live for today for tomorrow may never come!" was my mantra! However, NOW, I feel like clinging so desperately to this life which; despite the trials and shit in the past, really isn't all that bad! I've never been suicidal or clinically depressed; just angsty (normal punk rock attitude methinks ;)).
This diagnosis has propelled me right back into the 'death contemplation' and I'm more scared now than I was when I almost lost my life to a boot to the head!

I study the Buddhist texts and quantum theory in search for some meaning to my small spot in the Universe and try to understand why the hell me: healthy, Vegan, non-smoker, not promiscuis, would get a disease like this!! The only thing I can think of is that I was on the pill too long :( (That's a whole other issue which makes me rage; I asked my Dr. for years if I could go off the pill and get sterilised, but she kept telling me I could stay on the pill til I was 40 since I was 'healthy, the dosage is low...blah blah blah" and I believed her! Why shouldn't I!? She was the Dr. right!? >:( ) and how I wish I got a Hysterectomy last year instead of just a simple Tubal ligation and Ablation.

But that is neither here nor there now; one always knows that highsight is 20/20 and all that stupid cliche of "if only I'd known".....
What matters is the here and now; and here and now, I sit terrified and wondering if I will get the 80 plus years on this Earth that I wanted (I've always wanted to be just like my Oma when I get old; she's strong and independent and also full of love and compassion and stubbornness), but now I'm not so sure :\.
You can never be sure of anything; just that you will die one day.

So now I face a long and arduous road of further testing, staging, treatments and probable pain/terror and try to maintain a sense of Equanimity; one of my most important lessons from my Buddhist studies; to be a rock in the stormy sea; immovable and quiet and empty.

I feel like, regardless of the outcome, I have to explore the death contemplation again and return to my Buddhist studies to remind myself of the ever-changing flux of samsara. I have to really understand it this time; not merely from an Academic standpoint, but from practice; meditation on it and attempting to fully realise it.

I have realised most suddenly though; that I have a lot of great friends and family who are there to support me. Regina has been extremely helpful lately since she also believes in alternatives to the status-quo and she defies conventions. Her TT (therapeutic touch) treatments have helped me immensely! Without them, I think I would have been in a permanent panic attack since Thursday :o.

I also find myself reading Bif Naked's blog regularly as she chronicles her fight with breast cancer and her desire to return to her passion of making music and touring. She's so strong and kicks ass and has always been a role model for me, but I know this has gotta be hard for her; it's women like her and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Judi Dench as M, Helen Mirren, Shirley Manson (of Garbage) who have been my heroes and I can only hope to honour them in my attempts to emulate them.

I'm also full of rage about how common cancer is these days; it's just not right. We are clearly losing the 'war on cancer' and although I can understand that it is a complicated disease, we've spent billions of $$ on it and still it overtakes us. I mean seriously; is there a cure sitting in a vault somewhere but the drug companies don't want us to have it?? cuz hey, a cure won't make them any $$.
Paranoid conspiracy?? Maybe, but I wouldn't doubt it. >:(

I think the pill is also not as safe as we've been lead to believe. I don't have ANY other risk factors for cervical cancer except for being on a pill for a long time; so what do you think caused this!?!? ..........

Well, I guess that doesn't matter now except for the fact that I hope others don't suffer the same fate and that doctors should listen to women who say that they ARE childfree and DON'T want kids but want a safer method of sterilisation at any age! Don't make us wait til we've been on the pill for over 10 years before letting us have that Tubal or Hysterectomy!

Our medical science (actually all science for that matter!) has been a wonderful and great human endeavour that has given us such things as space travel and an intimate understanding of our world; it has helped cure diseases and increase health and quality of life; but I think some of it has come at too high a price. The earth is more contaminated than ever and it's coming back at us (there's that karma for you ;)). Innocent bystanders get 'run over' by this tide of increased chemical soup, hormones and other contaminants in our atmosphere. The lucky few who are able to avoid cancer or these mutations are lucky indeed and maybe them and their offspring will be the only ones who can survive such a mutilated world; I guess there's another reason for me to be glad to be child-free; I wouldn't want my kid to have to live in such a world and now it seems; my genes were not able to prevent cancer after all and I wouldn't wish this on any kid of mine! :(

Well, it is time to go relearn some of my Buddhism and try to utilise it for my healing.

This is from a website my brother programmed; pretty funny how accurate that is :o haha "sucker for fantasy" indeed ;).

Fuckit..

Sometimes I think with all the recent shit in my life that I should just say "fuckit" to even bothering to TRY to fix things. Like Yoda said; it's either Do or Do NOT; there is no try.
So when I 'DO' and fall on my face; maybe it just means that I can't; therefore I fall into the "do not" category.

Getting a new horse and doing the training/riding at home thing again is a means for me to DO what needed to be done, but I think I've almost come as far as I can. It's just not fun for me any more to constantly think about my accident/setback and have that issue cloud my enjoyment of the sport any more.

So I consider throwing in the proverbial towel and reinventing myself in some other way; I can do either one of 2 things; go out and be totally reckless and irresponsible following Rancid around on tour and being Tim Armstrong's groupie, or some shit :p OR I can just run and hide behind the sofa and option 2 isn't looking too appealing.....

Last night at the Punk show....

Last week, I got an email from my long-time friend (and shhh ;) former crush ;))
Chad; he was to come on Tour this week with legendary Punk band SNFU.
Don't ask me how he got *that* gig, but it sure is a fun one if you're a long-time punkrock drummer ;).
So last night, Philbert and I went to the show in Brantford. It was a tiny venue with a small crowd, but INTENSE and just riotous fun which I've always associated with an SNFU show (I've seen them a few times).

The thing that gets me thinking (oh here we go again; I think too much ;)); is that when I'm at these shows, just being a punk-rock=girl, I forget about all the shit in my life and embrace the attitude that it all just doesn't really matter.
All this shit lately with my 'horse life crisis', the fact that I'm poor and OSAP will soon hunt me down and repossess the farm; all just melts away in Chi Pig's "She's not on the menu" refrain!
I wish I could bottle that feeling in my Jones Orange Soda and just drink it whenever I feel like crap! Sometimes, I think I should say "fuckit" to everything I ever was or expected to be and go on the road..........but with my luck, I'd end up in 'Deliverance' country or "New Bedlam rest home for the emotionally Interesting" ;) Ah well, it might be worth a shot! Loser at Life..! :p

The boy in my dreams.....

Last night I had the strangest dream...(well partly fangirl fantasy maybe cuz HE > was 'the boy' ;)), but it was wierd cuz it was like a BBC movie of the week or some bizarre thing which somehow sort of paralleled my life and my current "rider life crisis".

It started out like that too. I was me (only not me??); perhaps me if I grew up in a different Universe and had been adopted in the UK instead of Canada to rich parents who owned a horse farm and mum rode and I never had a brother.........

So anyway, here "I" was; 30something successful working for MI6 as some sort of "International relations attache" for 10 years; really loving my job and traveling all over the world making boatloads of money and driving a black BMW. I meet a friend (presumably Rand?) one day in a cafe in London. I don't get to see her often, so we are catching up. A colleague of hers sees us and stops by our table to say hello. With him is his slightly off-beat geeky friend, shy and painfully cute (a dead ringer for David Tennant really ;)). I am happily single, can sleep with James Bond if I want (oi, come on! Working for MI6 has its perks), but this slightly nerdy shy boy caught my eye and we start chatting. Rand gets up and goes to the bar with her colleague leaving us to 'get to know each other'. After about 1/2 hour, he's given me his phone number and his friend has to go so we arrange to perhaps "get together for a drink" next weekend.

Rand and I giggle over this development and then go our separate ways. I retire to my flat and later recieve a call from 'David' the next day and he is a bit embarrassed saying he got my number from Rand since he wasn't sure I'd call him. He asks if I want to meet next Sat. for that drink. I said sure, why not? We we go to the same cafe and are chatting and joking and I find out he's an actor (He's David Tennant, but he's not THE David Tennant?? he's a less famous DT in this alternative Universe or something??) Anyway, as we chat, he says something like "you have the physique of a horse rider". I say, "well I ought to have; I rode for almost 15 years". Puzzled, he asks "Rode? You mean you don't any more?" I said "well, no, er, not really."

He doesn't really press the issue, but says "I don't get on too well with horses, I try to ride, but I really suck and they seem to sense it. I fall off a lot, get stepped on, dragged away with and horses generally just see me as a loser and want to get rid of me etc. It makes it rather difficult when I'm trying to shoot a scene in which I'm required to ride." We kind of have a giggle at that, but there's an odd sense of both of us holding something back about it. I look in his eyes, and there's a sadness there and I sense he sees the same thing in me. I ask him (thinking this is going to be the oddest question he's ever heard...) "are you telepathic or something??" but instead of being surprised, he just sort of smirks and says nothing. I say "I just have this odd sense that I know you from somewhere before or ?? I don't know...." trailing off...

He asks me why I don't ride any more. I try to explain non-chalantly, but he knows it's painful for me. I just tell him I had an accident that put me off...
He takes my hand and suddenly...it's like being knocked out and thrown into another dimension; we're at a party on a Saturday night. Rand is there as well as bunch of people I don't know. I am confused for a moment, but then suddenly it doesn't seem so odd and I settle in; feeling slightly 'askew' but the feeling passes. I am looking for David, someone says he's gone upstairs. So I go upstairs and down the hall and open the door. Then it is daylight and the door behind me disappears and I'm in my cousins' playroom from when they were toddlers (!?). David is there playing with them on the rug and says "come play with the kids". :), I'm wierded out, but again, the feeling passes and it's as if it's supposed to be like this. My Aunt Ulli comes in with snacks and says she's going out now (assuming we're babysitting I guess??). What is odd; is that I'm 11 years older than Brendan so why am I 30something when he's 1?? Ulli isn't surprised either, but for some reason, I accept it.

So we get up to see her out and then suddenly I'm at Susan's cottage babysitting HER kids!? She says they are leaving and that we can watch Star Trek and that Austin and Baden are already in bed and MacKenna can stay up for another hour (this is almost a complete repeat of the last time I actually DID babysit for her; in 1991- cuz it was the day Gene Roddenberry died!). David and I sit on the sofa to watch Trek and I look at him and say "wait, what is going on?" He is just like "we're babysitting your riding instructor's kids and are about to watch a Star Trek episode." like duh. But things are starting to seem strange and the feeling isn't passing any more. I start to clue in; he *is* telepathic and is in my mind trying to just find a comfortable place and 'fit in'. He figures if he shows himself as willing to help me babysit that he's a nice guy or something?
So I ask him again WTF is going on!? And he just says to wait; "there is method to my madness. I just want to help you".

Suddenly we're no longer at Susan's and I'm reliving my past (in my "alternate Universe"), but I'm also my present self - being both the viewer and the viewed; (it's like Being John Malkovich or some odd thing...). And David's observing it along with me but it's like I'm unaware of him there....:\

I see myself in my 'parents' house (remember alternative Universe parents here..), I'm about 5 years old, "helping" mum clean the kitchen, and I look out the window at her cob in the paddock and say "Mum can I have a pony?". I'd been fascinated more with the kittens and terriers on our farm as a kid, but at this point, I want a pony after watching mum ride all my life to this point. She says "sure! Let's go look at some on the weekend" as if she'd been expecting this.

Fast forward and it's a few years later, I've been riding an old Shetland pony since I was 5; joined Pony Club and am now ready to move onto a large pony, do my C levels and compete in showjumping and eventing. My life is great, I live on a lovely farm with loving parents and 2 ponies and mum's cob. Mum hunts and I do Pony Club and it's all good.
Jump ahead again and I'm in high school. My old Shetland pony is retired and my large pony (who was essentially Lass) is 17 and slowing down so I just do dressage with her. Parents and I decide I'm ready for a younger horse and I want to try some Western performance so I buy a 4 year old QH gelding (who I think is supposed to be Porter). He is a challenge, but we start to do quite well at shows and I'm stoked to do more. One day, I'm running late for the school bus. It's my last year of HS and it's late May or early June. I'm rushing to turn horses out and try to turn Lass and the QH out at the same time. I get Lass through the gate, but the QH also thinks he's free, and tries to take off; kicking out and catching a rear hoof in my face (same as this Universe :( ). I drop to the ground, my eyebrow cut and glasses broken; my confidence suddenly shattered; my disbelief evident in my "oh shit"! realisation that I've got to go to hospital and I can't just put a 'band-aid' on this :(.

Another sudden flash; and I'm in bed at home; it's been a few days since I've gotten stitched up; mum and dad try to help but I'm withdrawn, grumpy, pissed off and scared. I've got to return to school in a few days to write my exams. So I do that and all my Pony Club friends are asking what happened? I grumble "horse accident" and sod off. Suddenly it's like my life becomes a series of scenes: I'm riding less and less, no longer taking lessons, tell mum to sell the QH as my show aspiriations have gone out the window. Parents are perplexed wondering how their driven daughter no longer has the drive. Mum says "come on, it wasn't *that* bad an accident! No broken bones or surgery! Just go back to your old self!, but I'm too unmotivated, bitter and hurt. I refuse to do turnout any more at all, so parents hire a local boy to do chores. I'm in the barn less and less. I groom Lass once in a while, the QH gets sold and I decide to go away to University. I go to Swansea and study International Relations and have a typical time at school; boys, clubs, etc, but no riding. I no longer see my Pony Club friends and the only friend I still talk to is Rand. (I spend my last Summer before going off to University hanging out with her in the city and with a boy who I think is this Universe's version of Jeremy). :o

I graduate and come home. The old Shetland pony has passed away, mum's cob is retired and she doesn't have the heart to get or ride a new horse, Lass is retired and I go to the barn to give her a pat. I long to ride, but whenever I think of it, I get a swell of anger and bitterness and then I have to turn away :(.

I get a job with MI6 in some sort of diplomatic position. It's exciting and fun and lucrative and I do it for 10 years eventually becoming the equivalent of M's assistant. That brings us to the 'present'..........

Suddenly, I'm in this traffic tunnel (looks like the Detroit-Windsor tunnel?). I've driven my car in there and there's no traffic; the road is closed and there isn't a construction sign stating that until you're IN the tunnel! So I'm irked and have to turn around, but I see this service stairwell and David is there. So I stop the car, get out and go to him and ask him what's up? He's sad and trying to hide something. His telepathic 'block' is beginning to fail and I'm able to see into his mind the same way he's been rummaging around in mine!

Now I'm watching him; as a kid; dorky and lonely with really religious parents who rather ignored him when he was good and gave him a beating when he was bad. Then he's in highschool, nerdy and introverted but at the same time; friendly and somewhat popular among other 'nerds' ;). He rides a bicycle everywhere. One day whilst out riding, he sees a girl on a horse who catches his eye. He starts to ride the route every day just so he can see her. She just turns up her nose at him.
But he finds out where she rides and goes to the yard and asks the instructor if he can learn to ride. The instructor is happy for a new student and says "sure! we have some nice quiet beginner cobs for you"! So he starts taking lessons; he sucks terribly!! Falls off constantly even at the halt and gets stepped on, can't tack up very well, but is determined not to quit. After a few months, he's actually starting to suck less. He can walk/trot/canter and put the tack on and off properly. He can even lead his horse out to the paddock and pick out feet.

The girl starts to notice and once in a while actually says something like "I saw you jump that X in your lesson today. That was pretty good! You've come a long way!" but then that's about all she says and waves good bye. Her friends still look at him and smirk, but he's elated.
One day, he goes to the barn for a lesson and there's a commotion. She's went out on a hack and her horse returned without her. The instructor and her friends have gone out to look for her. He's stuck waiting at the barn worried.
Everyone returns, but it's not good. She's fallen and wasn't wearing an approved helmet (just a hard hat). Her hat fell off and she hit her head on a rock and was killed. Suddenly he's sick with sorrow, regret, fear and questions. She was such a good rider! How could this happen!? Why didn't she wear a proper helmet? If only he suggested it to her (he was always sooo safety conscious.)

So he quits riding immediately. Feeling anger at horses in general and wondering what would be the point, if even good experienced riders can suffer wrecks that injure or kill them!? He goes to University to concentrate on his acting career and starts to get roles that are more than just background. He becomes a working actor getting steady BBC gigs and the like. (He's not the "famous" David Tennant of this Universe though; no Dr. Who or RSC. just steady Advert work and BBC specials. Not bad, but he's still able to walk down the street and not get mobbed ;)).

He gets a few roles where he's required to ride. (For some reason, he has 'horse riding' as a skill on his resume). He sucks brutally at it! Falls off, gets stepped on, and is just plain nervous around horses. Directors are starting to get annoyed with him; wondering why the hell he'd say he has that skill when he sucks so bad. They have to get doubles for him and he becomes irritable and hard to work with. Roles become less frequent due to the rumour that he's difficult to work with (regardless of if horses are involved in the film or not!?).

So suddenly we're back in the tunnel maintenance stairwell; holding hands and staring into each others' eyes. Each with our own shattered horsey dreams.
Slowly, the scene fades and we're back in the cafe; reaching across the small table stunned and speechless. We've just experienced each others' lives in a span of about 20 minutes. The activity around us is basically unchanged. Nobody has noticed anything odd about us. Except we're forever changed.

I ask him what was the point of experincing that pain again; and he says he wanted to take me back to the point *before* my accident and capture THAT feeling; the freedom, fearlessness and hope that riding horses gave me before it was shattered. He said even if you never ride again, just remember *that* feeling.
I wasn't quite sure what to say; thanks?? We agree to go our separate ways and maybe get together in a week or so. Things are bit odd; he's sad and I want to help, but I'm also kinda upset with the fact that I had to relive such horror.

So we go home. A week later, I decide to go ride at a local yard. I realise that I don't suck. I have skills and the ride goes well..BUT..I still don't have the passion. The horse is nice and nothing goes wrong per se, but something still isn't right or isn't 'there'. At least I tried though. I meet up with David that evening. He's a bit more upbeat. I tell him I went and rode and he's very happy about that. I told him it wasn't so fun though, but he isn't discouraged. He says "but yeah, you did it!" I smile slightly; thinking he's happier than he ought to be; it wasn't a big deal, but it was my first ride in more than 10 years, so there may be hope for me after all.............He seems to want to live vicariously through me; hoping that he can help me regain my confidence and somehow restore his as well...............................................end.

Now wtf do you figure all *THAT* means!?!!?! :o