My Way (Sid Vicious version)

I had my second follow-up today. I asked the Dr. point blank; "why am I here?" He really didn't have a good answer; only that it was "standard procedure". No good reason for ME personally to be there! Again I asked him what could be done for a recurrence and all he said was that if it recurred in the pelvic area - then a radical pelvic exenteration surgery (where the uterus, vagina, bladder, bowel, colon etc.) is removed! Ack! Are you kidding me?? Oh and it only works "sometimes". Uh no thanks! I'll take my chances!!

So I've decided not to go back for any more follow-ups. I will only go if I feel shitty or have wonky symptoms - cuz there really is no point. I am soo damn outraged at the whole 'cancer system'. >:( I mean, where's the damn cure already!? Remission is NOT a cure; I got my treatment; it worked and the Dr. was like "ok that's all we can do; you're fine now but if cancer recurrs; you're pretty much doomed; but we want to see you every 3 months anyway." So to me, that makes no sense.

I know I'm going to get a lot of heat for this choice, but I just don't get why; recurrent cervical or womb cancer is most often fatal; so why on earth would I subject myself to the stress that checkups cause and undergo conventional treatment again which has only a very slight chance of working? Gah! :( What a shitty choice to have to make, but I'm going to choose to believe that I'm still in remission and will stay that way.
Fuck I hate cancer >:(.


In other news, I chatted with Matthew Zachary of i[2]y today about setting up a SW Ontario Chapter :). Young Adults with cancer need to be heard and we need to be able to hang with others of our own age who 'get it'!
I'm too Young for This!!

To Be or Not to Be..............

To be or Not to be; that is the question!

I'm still debating whether or not I'm going to bother with checkups and I'm leaning towards the NOT bothering.
If cancer comes back, I'm pretty much doomed, so why don't I just go to the Dr. if I get wonky symptoms? It's not like it will be "too late" cuz they can't do shit for me even if they find a recurrence early! I am so disillusioned and sick of the conventional medical establishment anyway; they treated me like shit when I was in treatment; there was NO support for Young Adult Cancer patients and my Drs. can't even agree on what type of cancer I had; (one says Cervical; the other says Endometrial) :\. They are also no closer to a cure than they were 40+ years ago. I just got a "treatment protocol" not a cure.

I think I will go to my upcoming checkup (23rd June) but just ask the Dr. outright; if my cancer comes back, can you cure it? If not, then fuckit; I will leave and never go back unless I want palliative care. I just want to live my life and FUCK CANCER! >:(.

Rocking out with Bif!

So I went and saw Bif on Friday! Her show rocked!!! I have wanted to see her in the past, but never got 'round to it, but I'm soo glad I finally got to go to one of her shows. It was great and all I could think is that she is on tour only 5 months after cancer treatment. (We finished treatment about the same time!)

I did get a bonus feature though; after the show, I was getting the band's autographs and when I mentioned that I also had cancer and Bif had been my inspiration, I was invited on the Tour Bus to chat with Bif! She was great; so real and we chatted about how much cancer sucks and her shows and life in general. Then I got my pic with her; but I look like a complete doofus! haha why do I always pull a stupid face!? :o Doh!

Namaste Bif :) Rock on!

Bif on Tour!!

Ooh excited!! Going to see Bif at Norma Jean's in London June 5!! Yay!! :D

I want to be just like her! :o

I'm an empathic person; I can feel other peoples' emotions and often take on the suffering of the world as if it were my own.
(Sometimes I think that even contributed to my stupid cancer, but that's another story ;)).
So because of my empathic sense, it's important to me to find others who share (at least somewhat) the shit I'm going through; to find kindred spirits with whom to share my journey along the road of cancer shittiness.

I've managed to 'find' several people online through Planet Cancer (the forum from imtooyoungforthis.org), and other online cancer support groups for people in the 18-44 age range. I drive myself bonkers reading other peoples' stories and just shake my head in ironic bewilderment that there are so many people out there sharing similiar shit. :(. Sometimes I fear that I will drown in the waves of empathy I feel from these peoples' stories.

I've been a fan of Bif Naked since the mid 90s when I first heard some of her songs on HTZ-FM while I was at Brock. She always personified the 'punk rock girl' I aspired to be (however, I never made it quite so stylish ;)). In January last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer and no doubt that came as a huge shock to her, but it also surprised the hell out of me! Here she was, like me: same age; fit, raw-food-Vegan, straight edge (no booze or drugs) and she had cancer!! WTF!?? I remember it scared me that someone like her could get it cuz I felt it meant I could too!

Of course, as we all know, I got my own diagnosis 11 months later. :\ The way she has maintained a humourous approach to all her cancer shit; how she recorded her album, and is back doing interviews and talking about her plans for touring and just getting her life back: I want to be like her!
I want to be able to say "cancer is BEHIND me now and it can fucking stay there!"
I wish I had her strength and her eternal optimism and a positive outlook for the future BUT...there is this profound fear holding me back :(. Perhaps whatever the 'something' is that she has that allows her to 'hold her head up' and push on into the future is the same thing that made her famous whilst my lack of the same something causes me to remain in the background still awaiting that 'breakthrough role'. ?? :\

However, considering we both had cancer and thought we did everything right to *prevent* it, it makes me wonder if we really are "the Lucky ones".???
So I say to Bif; if you ever have any of that strength to spare, I could sure use it ;) Rock on though girl, you're my hero :)

Stagnant :\

It would seem that some of you actually read this Blog and have been nagging me for an update ;). Well, here it is:

I feel like I'm stuck :(. Stagnated in some sort of fetid pond not knowing which way to go to get me out of it.
I am supposed to be healing and I AM feeling much better (although I do still have some odd pain 'down there' which my oncologist said would be common from radiotherapy :\. I also still feel the need to sleep til noon daily not to mention a faint reminder of 'chemo mouth' <- thankfully there's gum!). I've enlisted the help of a Naturopath to help rid my body of the icky chemo and radiation 'leftovers' so I'm detoxing my liver and kidneys which I believe really do help. I felt like SUCH a toxic waste dump before!! I've done some Yoga (although I fell off my horse last week so couldn't do any this week). Needless to say, I can't ride much right now thanks to stupid slippery mud! :o Actually I didn't so much fall OFF as Lady fell ON me cuz she slipped in said mud. Anyway, so with a mangled leg, I sit here trying to get comfortable and watch Spring slowly try to make its way back into the world that is SW Ontario.

Despite all that; I just feel "wrong". Makes me think of when Buffy was brought back from the dead! :\ It's like I got slipped into an alternate Universe that is almost identical except *I* have cancer and my strong healthy exuberant self got lost in some OTHER Universe! :(

I think I'm gonna be permanently fucked in the head. I mean, my cancer is pretty much gone, but now I feel like I have a bomb in my body ready to go off at any time :\ and I gotta learn to live with that and it fucking SUCKS! >:( Sometimes I think I don't even want to go for checkups cuz recurrent cancer is even worse than an initial case and I'd rather not know. :| The treatment damaged my body too so I don't even 'function' properly any more. :( I don't know if I even have 5 more years on this planet or 5 more decades!? I feel like some sort of demon; not quite human even though I look like everyone else. Bah, welcome to Hell; I will be your tour guide :p.

However, instead of wallowing or waiting for the hammer to fall, I have decided to volunteer as a Leader for a local chapter of i2Y (I'm Too Young for This Cancer support organisation for people 18-40).
I have my post-treatment checkup next Tuesday. Not sure if I should be wigging out or not? I just know I'm sick of fucking cancer and all its associated shit.
I plan to go back to work March 16 and can't wait for Horse Shows and VW Shows to start. Fuck off stupid cancer.

Simple Plan: Save You

This Video was made for those who have battled cancer and includes a small cameo of my cancer heroine; Bif Naked :).