I've always been odd; in fact, I rather fancied myself superior to other mere mortals cuz I was NOT like everyone else! ;) However, being diagnosed with cancer under 40 suddenly put me in an exclusive club I'd *much* rather not be in!
Leave it to me too, to get a rare cancer (endo-cervical adenocarcinoma accounts for only 10% to 15% of cervical cancers) and since I tested negative for HPV, made my case even rarer. I had none of the risk factors and was even more baffled when my doctor rang me the day after my diagnosis to tell me that I was "the last person she ever thought would get cancer!" cuz I was always so "young and healthy". :/
That clinched it for me; young, seemingly healthy people CAN and DO get cancer for NO fucking reason!! It's a total crapshoot; combined with an environment more toxic than ever, there will soon be a day where you'll be a freak if you DON'T get cancer. (How I'd much rather be *that* kind of freak...)
So nowadays, as I try in vain to return to some semblance of normalcy in my life, I envy the "normal" people; how I wish I could concern myself with "plans" and dreams for the future. Every day I wonder; is this the day cancer comes back to 'get me'? Damn, I sure hope not and when it doesn't, I get a brief respite and then do it all over again tomorrow. I feel like I'm going nowhere; running out of time and fearing that I just don't have the time to do what I really want and my life has all been a big fat fucking waste....
I'm jealous of all the "normal non-cancer" people in my life who don't have the incessant droning of Borg-like voices in their minds always reminding me that cancer is there lurking in the shadows of my mind waiting to assimilate me again.
I try to fake it; smile and joke and have a good time, but the droning buzz is constant in the background of my mind; like white noise of the collective.
Friends are uneasy when they discuss plans for "next Summer" and all I can think to say "if I'm alive, I'll be there"! I have to face it but it freaks people out and then suddenly I realise, I'm not even dealing with cancer in a "normal" way. I did not jump for joy when I was told I was cancer-free. I don't see the value in any more 'runs for the cure', I think we should be FAR more angry at cancer and the complete lack of progress in eradicating this plague from our lives and that the notion of cancer as a "lifelong manageable disease like diabetes" is an erroneous and far too benevolent view for something that sucks so damn bad. Who the hell wants to be on chemo for their entire lives!? Gah!
So I feel the need to show this "other side" to dealing with cancer; especially as a Young Adult. There is no "right way", but the media loves to show survivors involving themselves with cancer societies, burgeoning with positivity and "hope" and saying things like "cancer made me appreciate the 'small things' in life more."
Well, fuck I appreciated them BEFORE cancer!!
Hence my latest project; Smothered Hope: the dark side of Young Adult cancer. A short film where I hope to show this other tortured side and remind people that just cuz you survive cancer, doesn't mean you can leave it behind.
Now if only I didn't suck so bad at using a camera... ;)
BIF NAKED PRODUCES HER FIRST ACOUSTIC ALBUM
10 months ago
Mine was adenocarcinoma as well, also tested posi for HPV and was only 30. Also heard that I was the last person that should have it. Shit, my gyno cried when she told me (and I didn't, ha!) There's no such thing as cancer free when you've been diagnosed. I'll never feel happy it's gone, I'll always fear it coming back. Yeah, I'm pissed that this shit follows me around in the back of my mind. And I want to punch every. single. person. that says, "when are you having kids??" or "just wait til you have kids!" and I always think "just wait til your cervix is obliterated!" Asses.
ReplyDeleteYou + odd = why I like you. :) You and me, man.
The more I deal with everything in life, the more I feel that there is no normal life or normal people. I understand what you mean when you say "If I'm alive I'll be there" and how unfair it is to sit and watch people scream about how they survived because they refused to give up, well I'm sure that those that are no longer here didnt just lay down their arms and die. In fact I dont know anyone that want to survive more than my mother and yet here we are, almost 13 years after her death with people still dying of brain cancer and feeling like we are no where closer to eliminating this monster that affects almost everyone.
ReplyDeleteSieg means Victory.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to alot you speak of!
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